If anyone knows how to fail it is me. I have failed at so many things in my life it seemed at one point a reality I had become accustomed to. I had failed at being happy, I had failed as a friend, I had failed as a companion and then as a human being. Through all those failures one thing helped me succeed and that was determination.

I was never one to accept things, I have always fought against the status quo, I will never conform for anyone, and I have always found myself in places no one I known had ever been. I take pride in my decisions even the bad ones, because they have all brought me to where I am today, a place of reflection and growth.

I have overcome obstacles many will never face, experienced things many cannot imagine and seen days of darkness deeper than many can collect. In all this, I have survived! I am still here and I am still fighting. Every day I am fighting for a better me, a better day that will bring forth a better tomorrow. I am fighting to live, I am fighting to be happy, I am fighting to bring light into my darkened soul that has been hurt so many times.

I have tears that have yet to be shed, but still I hide them under bright smiles and loud laughter. I have wounds that feel as though they will never heal, but I go on to fight more battles in life because I know I can. I believe in myself, in the world around me and in my story. For they hold more power than I can understand today, but thankfully this fact I understand.

I have found peace in words and sharing, I find strength in the unity of the wounded. It seems more real than the unity of the manipulative and spoiled, the sheltered and the weak. I know we shouldn’t judge for I hate them for doing the same to me, but there is a part of me that was there and when I judge I am judging that person within me. The weak young girl so influenced by everything around her, so wounded by everything around her, and so betrayed by everything around her. For a long time I hated that girl inside me, I hated her weakness and her judgments, her ridicules and assumptions, her unwilling to live. I hated how she made me feel (if that was what I was doing). I hated her reality for it was not mines; it was constructed by her world I never fit into. As time went on that girl grew and lived and then somewhere she changed. Now, after the bruises and the experiences, I have come to peace with her and embrace her for she is the reason I am who I am today.

I wonder where would I have been if it not been for the hurt and wounds, would I have been so enlightened? Would I care about the things I do now? Would I love like I do now? I don’t have answers but I have more assumptions and to those questions; my assumptions answer NO!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to go back to the status quo, live the rest of my life with those sheltered brats and consume myself of hatred for anything different. I am too free, I am too happy; I am too liberated to even care to go back. Will I ever be wounded again? I hope so, because it is those wounds that help me grow to be the woman I am, and it is those wounds that will forever help me grow into the woman I want to be.

So here is to the wounded, the different, the out-casted. Those they point fingers at, those they call ugly, this is for all those children who never really fit in, because they were born to stand out. This is for those scraps, scars, and tears that will never show. This is for the fact that we are not alone, this is for the fight and might to live on to be better people. This is for making this world a better place and making it REAL. I love you! And to the little girl inside I hated for so long, I love you too.

Love Nivie

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